Reinforcement Recognition

I hid in the very back row in my sophomore English class. Not because I wasn’t smart or was tagged as a troublemaker but because I was so shy I didn’t want anyone to notice me, especially my teachers. I’d scrunch down in my desk, trying to conceal myself behind the person in front of me. I desired to be invisible.

Throughout the year, I read all of the books, completed the array of assignments, and exceled on all of the tests because I was and still am a voracious reader. In the last month of school, I heard the teacher call my name. I peeked out from behind my shield and saw her motion for me to approach her desk.

I stood beside her with my knees knocking. She looked me in the eye and rattled off the following statements, “I noticed that you are an excellent reader. You are diligent in completing your assignments, and you display great insight on the tests. I realize you don’t like to answer questions aloud in class, but you understand the material better than anyone. So I would like for you to create the final exam on the extra credit book students could choose to read. It will take the place of a test grade for you.”

Why was what she said so powerful to me that I still remember it to this day? She knew me. I was a shy girl who never answered a question, but she understood how I operated and focused on my strengths.

We all have a deep desire for people to “get us.” We love it when they perceive how we’re wired and interact with us in a way that says, “I see you, I recognize your talents, and I love your personality.” Your children possess the same yearning for you to respond to them according to the way God created them and praise them for their attributes. Doing so allows you to better relate, communicate, encourage, and discipline by using phrases that describe the positive traits you see. I call it reinforcement recognition. Let me give you an example.

1. State what you observe. “Jeff, I’ve noticed you greet all the kids you pass as you enter the school.” This first step allows your child to visualize their behavior.

2. Explain how their behavior makes others feel. “I smile and am happy when I see how other kids feel special when you greet them.” The second step helps them understand how their behavior can benefit and please other people.

3. Restate the child’s strength. “You really love people and are very friendly.” The last step helps reinforce the behavior with compliments.

Used consistently, reinforcement recognition may be the best practical way to develop your child according to his personality. It reveals strengths to a child and emphasizes how to use them positively.

Take time to reflect on each of your children and list their positive personality qualities. Next, create some statements to use to practice reinforcement recognition. I promise your children will respond and thrive in knowing their mom understands how they’re wired and enjoys spending time with them.

Now, go make your kids smile.