How Are You Really?

Have you ever had one of “those texts” hit your phone? The one from a friend or family member with news that knocks the breath right out of you?

A few years ago, a friend of mine shared that she was walking through an incredibly difficult season. After that, I found myself thinking about her often, especially while driving, and feeling this strange heaviness about reaching out. Not because I didn’t care but because I was tired of asking, “How are you feeling today?” It felt awkward, heavy, and honestly… burdensome.

And then I thought, if it feels this heavy for me, how must it feel for her?

I remembered what it was like when I was the one in a hard season. I was so thankful for the texts and calls, but I also struggled to engage with them. You know, that well-meaning, how-are-you text that you stare at, thinking I don’t even know how to answer that. There’s so much behind the question, and sometimes you just don’t have the energy to unpack it all.

So I didn’t text her right away. I needed a minute. I needed something different to say—something that didn’t feel like dry toast with no butter. I thought I needed more, but then I realized it wasn’t more. It was less. I needed a question that told me what I needed to know about my friend’s heart without asking her to spill everything she was carrying.

So I sent this instead: “Hey! How are you today on a scale of 1–10?” And I kept sending that text. Years later, my friends know exactly what I mean when I send “1–10.” On our best days, I might get a 7. I rarely see anything higher than that, and honestly, we’re all doing just fine living in mid-level sanity. On our hardest days, I’ve received 3s, 2s, and even the disturbing 1.

This question leaves so much space to be honest without forcing someone to pour out a heart that already feels scattered on the floor. And my next response is usually simply, “Is there anything I could do to help move that number up, even a little?”

I wanted to share this with you mom to mom—whether it’s for our kids, our friends, our spouse, or even ourselves. Sometimes showing up for people feels heavy. And that’s okay. And if it feels heavy for us, it’s probably heavy for them too. And that’s okay. So we stop trying to fix everything, and we just start helping each other turn our 5s into 6s.

How are you today, on a scale of 1–10?