Parenting: The Sequal
One chapter of parenting is behind you, and now your children are adults. Just because they’re no longer under your roof doesn’t mean they don’t need you. But they don’t need you in the same way. The relationship between parents and adult children shifts, and so does your role. How can you be an active part of their lives, while giving them the space to thrive? Mother, don’t smother.
Consider three truths as you move into the sequel of raising children:
1. They want you in their lives, but not in their business.
You’ve been there for all of it—for the chaos, heartaches, celebrations, and messy times of life. Of course you want to continue offering your guidance as they launch into adulthood. But be careful to avoid giving unsolicited advice on everything from their job to their relationships to their spending habits—especially if they are married. Give them space to grow and make mistakes that ultimately shape their character and lead them to the grace of God. Be available to them, but don’t solve every problem. Some of life’s struggles are necessary. You can be supportive without smothering them with “helpful” suggestions they may not want. Trust that they’re capable of handling life’s messes, even if they don’t do it the way you would have.
2. They want your wisdom, not your lecture.
No one likes being lectured—especially when they’re adults with their own life experience. That’s a bummer for those of us who have mentally prepared (and given) so many unnecessary lectures such as, “That’s not the way I would do it.” or “You really ought to…” Adult kids want your wisdom, but they want it casually, like a chat over dinner not a pop quiz. Share your stories and lessons learned with a light touch, maybe while they’re venting about something stressful. Instead of saying, “Here’s what you should do,” try saying, “You know, I’ve been through something similar, and what helped me was…” Or ask for permission to share your heart by saying, “May I share my thoughts about that?” Keep in mind, unsolicited advice is often perceived as criticism. Create a safe atmosphere for imparting spiritual truth without sounding “preachy.” Rather than bombarding them with words, our effort to influence them is better spent on our knees in prayer, trusting the work of God in their lives. As my friend, Cindy Beall, commented, “Adult children will always need a mother, they just don’t always need to be mothered.”
3. They want you to be happy, but not dependent on them for your happiness.
Your adult children want to see you happy, thriving, and living your best life, but they don’t want to be the source of that happiness. Don’t make them feel guilty for starting a life that doesn’t center around you. This can be particularly hard for women who have raised children by themselves. Moms, our joy and our happiness is rooted in Christ, not our children. Resist the trap of looking to your children to fulfill all your desires. Model reliance on the Lord, and what it looks like to find satisfaction in him. Your children need this example when they navigate their own difficulties in life.
Navigating the world of adult children can be a bit of a tightrope walk, but it’s also one of the most rewarding stages of parenting. By respecting their independence, offering wisdom without being a know-it-all, and modeling finding joy in the Lord, you’ll maintain a relationship that’s grounded in love and mutual respect. So, grab that cup of coffee, send your kid an encouraging text, and enjoy this exciting new chapter where you can mother, not smother!