Boundaries Give Strength

I think it’s really rude and unbiblical not to let people know your bank account information. We’re called to love others right? So doesn’t that mean people should get access to me and my family? I also believe Christians should put their children’s social security numbers and school information online and allow anyone they want to check them out from school or to enter their home. Locking your front door is completely unkind.

Okay, if you’ve made it this far, hopefully you’re shaking your head and getting ready to comment that I’m a crazy person. How dare I say it’s unbiblical to keep my bank account secret or to lock up my home? In these scenarios, it’s obvious to see that God doesn’t want us to give people access to every part of us at all times.

But for many single moms, other boundaries are harder not to feel guilty about. Sure, they won’t give up their passwords, but many question if they really do have biblical right to say no or to remove themselves from social circles if they’re being asked for too much or treated poorly. Many are left with wondering, “Can I really set a boundary and not feel guilty?”

Only you can control how you feel, but boundaries are good and necessary. Not only that, they give you strength. Here are five important things to know about boundaries:

1. Boundaries are not about telling the other person what to do. We can’t control people, and we cannot make someone do what we want. That’s not the point of boundaries. A boundary is simply you informing someone what YOU will do if they continue with a certain behavior. For example, if you’re faced with a co-parent who hurls insults at you every chance he gets, a boundary would be, “I will only engage in conversation if it pertains to raising our children.” You aren’t telling the person they have to stop, but you are informing them you will not respond.

2. Boundaries can be set on any relationship you have, with the goal of making that relationship stronger. It’s important to consider boundaries when thinking of your family, your employer, your exes, your friends…even your children. This is you communicating lovingly what you need to keep you and your family safe, and to make the relationship stronger. If you find yourself wanting to set a boundary to “get back at a person,” then that is bad motivation. Prayerfully think through the goal of your boundary.

3. Boundaries must be communicated clearly and kindly. I frequently see on social media the idea that boundaries are something you set in order to walk away from a person. Now, there are times when walking away might be necessary (more on that in a moment), but that’s not the goal. If someone is hurting you, you need to communicate with them about the hurt. If they refuse to acknowledge or change, that would be the time to let them know the boundary you’re setting in light of that refusal.

4. Sometimes your boundaries will be rejected. Unfortunately, there will be times you set a boundary and someone continuously ignores it. This can be incredibly emotionally difficult, but you must hold firm to your boundary. When it happens, remind the person of the boundary you set. If they continue to ignore it and it’s causing you harm, it might be time to say something like, “Unfortunately you have refused to respect my boundary, so I now will need to ________ to protect myself and my children.” I left this blank because this will look different depending on who the person is. Obviously, you can’t walk away from your child; however, there are some relationships you might find yourself having to walk away from. This is difficult but sometimes necessary if you’re being bullied and repeatedly disrespected.

5. Boundaries are biblical. If you’ve been in church a long time, it might be difficult for you to stand up for yourself because you believe that it’s unkind. But remember, the Bible tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). There are even times in Scripture where it commands churches to kick people out if they are hurting the church (one example 1 Corinthians 5). Jesus was the perfect example of what it looks like to put others first, yet over and over in scripture we see that he had boundaries (Luke 5:16).

When done in a kind and clear way, boundaries either strengthen relationships or help you decipher who you should allow to be close to you and your children and who needs to keep distance.