When Kids Hurt

“You are only as happy as your saddest child.” My mentor, Lyn, told me that once after I asked her how she was doing. It hit me deep in the gut because it’s true. It affects everything when your child is hurting, struggling, or disappointed. The weight of their pain creeps into your chest and settles there. As parents, we feel it all: the ache, the helplessness, the desperate hope that somehow we can make it better.

I’ve often felt like that scene from Alice in Wonderland—the one where Alice grows so big she can’t even stand up straight in the room. On my son’s worst day, the room felt that small. I could barely breathe… and yet I did.

Here’s what I’ve learned while trying to parent in that cramped reality—the one where your joy is tied to your child’s pain.

1. Focus on the Bigger Picture
Difficult times never feel small in the moment, especially for kids. But as parents, we can help lift their eyes beyond the current moment. That doesn’t mean minimizing their pain. It means helping them see that their story isn’t over. Remind them (and yourself) that disappointment can be a teacher, a refining fire, and sometimes even a doorway to something better than what they imagined. Keeping the bigger picture in mind helps us frame the hard stuff within a greater story of growth and grace.

2. Stay Present
Disappointment can create distance, especially when we don’t know what to say. But your presence is more powerful than the perfect words. Just showing up, sitting with them, listening without fixing, and being available says, “You’re not alone.” Your consistent presence in their disappointment becomes a quiet anchor when everything else feels unsteady.

3. Be a Steady Presence
When emotions are high, your child is looking for something unshakable. That’s you. Not because you’re perfect but because you’re grounded. When we respond with calm instead of panic, with faith instead of fear, we model resilience. Let them see you trust God, even when it’s difficult. Your steady spirit becomes a safe place where they can bring their messy emotions and still feel secure.

4. Separate Your Identity from Their Success
It’s easy to feel like your child’s setbacks reflect on you. But their journey is their own, and their value isn’t measured by wins, grades, or achievements. Neither is yours. When we untangle our identity from their performance, we’re free to parent with grace instead of pressure. This shift allows us to cheer them on in love, not fear.

After Alice grew too big, she found a way to shrink herself, and thus entered Wonderland. Eventually, she stops trying to shrink herself to fit the chaos and remembers who she is. She stands tall, speaks truth, and watches the madness crumble around her.

That’s what we do as moms. We breathe in that cramped room. We stay steady. And we remember that our love, our presence, and our faith are stronger than the storm. The season may be hard, but it won’t last forever, and we don’t have to be ruled by the bad days. We get to speak hope over our children, and ourselves, even in the small, cramped places.